I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
