I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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