Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
