so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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