Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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