I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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