god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
