so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
