Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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