Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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