Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
