forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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