oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
