Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
