Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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