is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize