I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
