I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
