Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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