You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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