I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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