eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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