If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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