Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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