i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
