why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
