I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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