ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
