i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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