There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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