Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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