man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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