you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
