Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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