I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
