no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
