This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize