a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
