My nipple is on Facebook.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
