No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
