I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
