i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
