I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
