Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
