i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
