Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
