hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
