areolas are like halos for boobs.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
