im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
