This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
