I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize