How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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