I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
