all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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