im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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