The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
