I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im holly from the hills drunk
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
