Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You pole danced in your parka.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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