He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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