you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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